Candy Is Dandy, But Liquor Is Quicker.

Once upon a time, there was a family with the last name Gino. If you read the post prior to this, you’ve got a clue to just how dysfunctional we are. Well, family parties seem to be the core of the madness. I can remember back to the infamous Christmas party of ‘98...


It was hosted by Aunt Rica and Uncle John at their house, which was conveniently right next door to ours. My brother Smith, my father Tim and I all decided to go early and help with the setting up part. My cousins Noelle and Chris were there and we had a blast just joking around and pulling pranks on our elders. When guests started to arrive, we hid behind chairs on their front porch just waiting to jump out with our weak attempt at scaring them. About an hour passed and we were still greeting everyone on their way in. The last guest finally arrived, and we could tell she wanted nothing but trouble.

Kristen Keg.

Everyone knew of the falling out between her and Lance, who had already arrived. He was just about the nicest guy on the planet, always buying us ice cream when the Mr. Ding-A-Ling truck drove by. Lance just couldn’t handle Kristin’s heavy drinking and decided he’d be better off without her. Needless to say she was absolutely enraged to discover he found a new girlfriend, Mary-Beth, just two short weeks after their breakup. Her drinking got even worse.

Anyways, enough with the history lesson.

The smell of liquor was obvious as Kristen Keg (ironic, no?) stumbled past us and into the house. I followed behind her along with Noelle to see what would transpire. Kristen fell, luckily being caught by Paul Lancingbuck - who you’ll hear more about later on. She sat at the table and took a chug of her Black Velvet Whiskey that was already ¾ of the way finished off. Uncle John chuckled as he mixed her a drink using the remainder of the bottle. Kristen took a sip before getting up to find Lance. By now, everyone in the house was speaking in hushed whispers as we watched her find her way to the kitchen where Mary-Beth and Lance were standing, staring at her with worry.

Kristen almost made her way to them before Paul stopped her.

“Kristen, you’re drunk. As always. Go home, sleep, sober up, and then see if you still think what you’re about to do is smart.” he urged.

“Fu-uck yoouu. I’m perrrfectly fiiine.” Kristen slurred.
She made her way past him and went right up in Lance’s face.

“Kristen-”

“Shhh. Lemme talk. I can’t believe you le-eft me.” She hiccupped and continued. “I should’ve seen this one comin’. You and that wh-hore. I knew you was thinkin’ ‘a her when you was fuckin’ mee!”

Kristen slapped Lance, albeit clumsily, in the face. Paul pulled her back and she stumbled back to the front door before making her exit. The rest of the night went on just fine. Chris, Smith, Noelle and I laughed and mocked Kristen Keg the rest of the night. The next time I saw her she was covered in mud and piss with her wrist in a sling.

And that, my dears, doesn’t even begin tell the story of the Ginos. There’s still cheating wives, divorces, psycho mothers, deaths, kissing-cousins (which isn’t as disgusting as it seems), birthday parties, and cross-dressing grandfathers galore.

Here’s To “Thinkin’ ‘a Her”,
Bella =]


"If it takes me all night long, I'm gonna get my drink on."
- Toby Keith